The day my heart shattered into two thousand million pieces

it is gone. i know it. it was covered up. i wonder which girl made him do it? and if she really meant a lot to him? someone he cld get jealous of?
after the depressing events last night, i think i've had enough. but this morning, it got worse. the tattoo is gone. the sign of faith and the only beacon of hope i had left...just got eradicated like that.

i'm afraid for myself. so very very afraid. i dont know if i can survive this ordeal again. and this time...there's noone here for me. absolutely noone.

Telltale signs of a lonely heart

i thought i chose life. i thought i had it all going on for me again. i thought i finally ended up with the upperhand. but one look at you, one kiss of yours, all that i know goes into flames.

i hurt. it hurts so much that my heart seems to find it incapable of coping anymore. its so painful that i want to take the easy way out. just fade away, lose my notions of life, to hell withy my philosophy of big money. this airport is closed. no arrivals no departures. it is rundown, in need of repairs and perhaps the money needed for the repairs is so much that it is simply not worth it anymore.

i cry. my heart out. i don't know what else i can do. and all there is, is to be strong. have faith. redemption and forgivance will come if i endure this thru. i wish.

onset of depression

why, when things are looking up, you wld go and drop this bomb on me again? why make me crave for things i can never get. cant u just stay as the best i ever had. and stay that way?

so u stole my world. now i'm just a phony.

help. i'm drowning in my fears, my heart pumps twice what it did last wk. i'm not content to just be alone anymore. the happy alone is turning into loneliness. why, when everything was fine. when everything seemed complete? u come and tell me this.

SLOTH

-I do believe by running today, playing frisbee on thursday, i'll get my hardworking genes back by at least 25%. that's more than enough, as compared to what a disgusting slobberish procrastinator i am currently. UGH.

i seriously need to work harder. i cant remember my school stuff much. this is horrifying. and i go to school only twice a wk. becus im too lazy to take the public to sch. oh dear, what a terrifying predicament i am in. vicious cycle and all. help.

TRAINSPOTTING PRETTY QUOTES

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?

And later on at the end of the show,

Now I've justified this to myself in all sorts of ways. It wasn't a big deal, just a minor betrayal. Or we'd outgrown each other, you know, that sort of thing. But let's face it, I ripped them off - my so called mates. But Begbie, I couldn't give a shit about him. And Sick Boy, well he'd done the same to me, if he'd only thought of it first. And Spud, well okay, I felt sorry for Spud - he never hurt anybody. So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers - all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person. But, that's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.

and yes, in the end, everyone chooses the LIFE, as the people like terming it nowdays, 'the american dream'. well, everyone smart at least. tah.

p.s - go mull over it ya druggies out there. go mull over it ye heartbroken ones. go. and return to tell me you are choosing what im choosing. choose LIFE.

1plus1 does not make 2

it prolly adds up to like 1 and 1/4.
the things you wish will just fall into your lap, tidy and neat.
ah. too many of them.

i bring tidings of great joy this time. i have woken up from my illicit affair with scandalous behaviour, flirty obsession, tragic occurrences.

i woke up one thurs. took many deep breaths. inhaled. watched trainspotting again. and decided to create a whole new life for myself. i choose life. i choose megabig tv. i choose branded cosmetics. choose prada clothes. choose that huge-assed mansion sitting in the fantabulous zipcode. choose grand retirement plans of travelling the world in my own yacht. choose life.

and yes. although the procrastinating genes are still heavily lodged under the skin. i think i'm getting there. i will reduce them to itty-bits, regardless of the pain i may incur. I, CHOOSE LIFE.

with that, i bid u adieu,
--> a long time ago, we used to be friends.

So if you’re lonely

You know I’m here waiting for you.

And if u leave me

You leave me broken and shattered alive.

I am lonely

And to me, this is the end

I know you left me

And a long time ago, we used to be friends.

Take back the torrents of ice cold days

Retrieve my glaciers of high

Turn back, give it away

Look at me and say you’ll try

Take me out I want you to take me

Don’t leave me with the onslaught

Of emotions left inside, left free

I see it – in the mirror, I am caught

A vague washed impression

A wintry wimpy adaptation

A laissez-faire version

A lackadaisical season

Gone with you, taken away

My summer nights

My euphoric days

Gone away with you, as I thought they might

Hollow as it may seem

Barren as it may be

This I deem

To be my ultimate place, now I see

With this I end my abject misery

Plunging into the vices of the world

I seek to end my tears absolutely

With this, I say goodbye

06, 09, 20 June was spent rather memorably. My special numbers. All but relegated to one tiny space in my overcrowded mind. Thank you for those times. But now is the time that I have to leave all this behind. Move on.

Every wed has been the same since Feb. Nonetheless, the last one was different. I found myself grappling for company. Why? A unique someone who touched my life has came and left. A hole remains. Oh well, life's all about arrivals and departures. We're like an airport each on our own.

"One door closes, another opens."

It is true. But at this point of time in my life, I would pretty much like all my doors closed please. I am settling down. After half a year - yes, time flies. Look at my last entry, it's been two months. Of holidays, albeit. So, after 6 full months, on 09 July, I am ready to brave this new world and new take I am to have in life. No need for additional perks of life. Just what the basic necessities offer me, that is all i want. My schoolwork, my work, my friends, my family. Focus. That is all. It's time I settle this maturedly and I have, after all these months of bumbling around.

Thank You. For moving on. You have shown me the way. Even when we are apart, it still seems I need you to show me the way, give me a shove in the right direction.

Btw, my results from this semester were terrible. No matter, I will make it right next semester.

look at us.

someone once remarked to me, 'you like making guys like you, don't you?' - which girl doesnt? isn't it good to get someone enamoured and then you can twirl them around your little pinky?

but how exactly does one make a guy like her? is it all about the looks? or is it more of the way one treats the guy? the tone they speak, the way they look? perhaps this shall be my experiment.